There is a lot of convincing I do these days

"...but tell me you love this, tell me you're not miserable."

~after Seaside Improvisation, Richard Siken

There is a lot of convincing I do these days. 

I tell myself that roses are not pretty for instance because they have got thorns. I tell myself how bigger and flashy illegal affairs are greater than all of my smaller troubles. I choose not to miss you and tell myself that my laundry is undone and there is a whole garden I want to build in my balcony. I tell myself that this freedom does not make me lonesome. 

There is a lot of convincing I do these days.

I tell myself that pain is a far-fetched memory in the back of my mind and it does affect no more. I tell myself that I would put my lips on anyone to never desire a lingering thought back. I tell myself that it is easy, smooth even to ask for unkept promises and vanish like thin air. 

There is a lot of convincing I do these days.

I tell myself that this feminine side of me should be better kept shut. I tell myself that ending your suffering, their suffering, would somehow find me a home. I tell myself that someone waits at the door like I wait for betrayals at the grocery store. 

There is a lot of convincing I do these days.

I tell myself that I do wrong me more than anyone ever did. I tell myself that it is okay to not grieve over lost friends. I tell myself that there is always more to life than what I believe in. 

There is a lot of convincing I do these days because I tell myself that I would love to forget you.

Read with this Spotify recommendation: 

Beyond Control by NTO & Monolink