Meet me at Therapist's
“I haven’t met the new me yet.”
Life has turned more peaceful these days. I don’t know, maybe I cannot pinpoint what exactly it is that I am feeling or maybe that is why I write. Is it stagnancy or is it that finally I am habituated to waking up every day? I seriously do not know the answer. It is a more profound debate that is certainly beyond my immediate capabilities. But, there is one thing that I can probably vouch for which is that I am more at peace with my existence that do not seek anyone else anymore.
Is it self-effacement I wonder? This conundrum of pinning down your self by letting go of all of your past traumas has been a really difficult affair. Then, there is one thing I learnt throughout the process and which I am still learning is that my trauma has to be first understood by me. It’s my responsibility alone. We are certainly not living in a world where we can have a shoulder to cry upon and choose to be vulnerable, having a blind faith in the beauty of love, of human companionship because the barrier of power dynamics is one of my worst fears and tribulations.
I finally am okay with letting some people go from my life. I think one day, god will provide me with enough strength to burn everything down. My emotional being is not liable to be shamed for what I feel as I write this. I am in the arms of only those who replenish my sense of sanity or insanity, who love me for what I am without all my flairs and fancies. I no longer turn a blind eye to how foolish, how stupid I feel sometimes because I choose not to, because it is finally okay for me to realize what I truly feel about myself and about that extension of my self to the self of others.
I am sorry I had to kill you but you wanted it done and it has to be done. I have lived all the moments that I had to live with you within me and now there is this surfeit of pleasure that has castrated me and made me dysfunctional beyond measure. My sparrow of love would have desired no Paris other than you but now all she desires is dementia for every tree whose branches are overlooking your presence.
Tell me, how do you feel with your nakedness now that no one is watching over you? God, I can’t help but imagine how terrible it is and with that note, I rent myself out.
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